Short stories page
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My Story. By Kate.
Sometimes i wonder how, or why, I am where I am now. Today.
Today I am on my way to London to look for my own place. This time a year ago , this time 2 years, 3 years , 4 years, 5 years I was in the grip of anorexia.
I still wonder, and I'm not clear in my own mind why I wanted to hold on for so long. I lost everything because of it. NO, you see, I thought I had lost everything.
I came out of school at the end of year 8, and never went back, I fought the system trying to help me, i lost friends, and spend years in and out of units. I did everything to avoid treatment, I risked my life a million times over, but still I didn't want to change.
I really hadn't had enough. I mean, I cared about being ill over everything else. Why?
I had nothing positive to focus on. I didnt care, I had no care in the world. I lived in a fantasy world where I thought everything would be okay in the end, and you know what. LIFE ISN'T like that.
Life is what you make it. You have to fight for your life. To get where you want to be. It doens't just get served to you on a plate for you to take. You have to work hard and build a future, a positive future for you.
I don't know what got me to this point. In reality, it was probably that I got so fed up of being hungry, and sad, and lonely. So, good reasons to change!
I started interning with a designer in London and I went down every week, I'd sit on the train and gaze at other people; eating, smiley, sitting down and relaxed. I wondered if one day I could be like that, carefree and happy.
I wondered. I wondered. In fact from October '10 to February '11 I wondered. Every week I would wonder.
It wasn't untill one day I thought maybe I can do that too. You know what. WHY can't I do that? Maybe if I just think, I CAN, then I WILL? You know what, I did, and more importantly I DO. I believe if you look to healthy, normal people like the MAJORITY of the population then thats what you can be like too.
I was sick of being tired, being weak, walking up stairs hoping no one would chase me because I would never be able to fight them off. I was anxious, paranoid, hungry, cold , the list goes on. Thats excluding all the phisical complications I was so lucky to get thanks to my illness.
I believe if YOU wish normality, and health on yourself, and you watch other people, see their lives. Why, oh why would you ever want to be different. I can tell you, Anorexia doesn't make you happy. Its a replacement for something. It will be different for everyone, but for me. Its a replacement of many things. I know I can't replace the one thing I need, but I can get things in my life that are a NEW replacement for Anorexia.
I dont have the twin I once had. I dont have my best friend, my twin replacement. I dont have my old room, my old house that I loved. I dont have anything I had that made me happy before Anorexia.
But I have my life now, I can't go back to when I was 11. I am 18. I have the rest of my life to lead. I have my internship, I am now looking for a home of my own. I have the REST OF MY LIFE. And I can't have anorexia ruling my life. I want to rule my life.
ITS MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know. Its not always easy. I know that. I could say all the treatment I've had, but you know what. That was the old me. I didn't like it, I may have smiled, it wasn't a real smile. It was a ' I'm starving hungry but I have anorexia so I'll try and be happy. Lets face it, if I didn't have anorexia, I'd have nothing... So.. why do I need to change?'
Sometimes I get worried I could go back. To try and self improve my body. But, my body is far more use to me now. In the world of work, in the big city. You can't be an ematicated body with clothes on, you can't be an emtional wreck. You have to be strong, inside and out. You are a liability if you aren't well, and people don't want a liability.
Okay. I am an intern. I need to be able to get from A to B as fast as I can go. I need to be able to drop what I'm doing and run over to the other side of London. I need to be able to eat with other people. I dont know what that is going to be , I dont who where they will chose to eat. I HAVE TO GO with it.
With anorexia , there are rules. And in life you can't often predict things that anorexia would deem important things to plan. I have to just go with what people do, I have choice but i cant be difficult and say, Oh there is nothing there, dont like that, too this, too that? People thing you are odd, trust me. Depsite the fact that you shouldn't discriminate against it, people do.
Having Anorexia is NOT okay.
I guess maybe I have learned the hard way, but I have learned never the less. I just want to say to all those people out there who are ill/ or struggling/ or in recovery/ or with a friend, family member. There is hope.
There is hope when the sufferer finds a replacement, or believes in the possibility of their being a replacement for their illness.